A Commitment

While talking with my ex wife the other morning about a number of things, most of which we cover, again, and again every couple of months – as she seems to need clarity of sorts regularly, we also spoke about marriage, or rather the concept of marriage. We both walked away from ours bitter though not necessarily towards each other but to the institution and some underlining belief that humanity is better with it. As the conversation progressed we went deeper into this new understanding of this tradition, and discovering that we each share an element of accession. Believing, of course, that the practice of marriage comes with a series of expectations, one of which is commitment, a commitment not fundamentally to each other, but rather -- to Forever. You have to understand that people change and it’s not uncommon for two people after years of marriage to wake up one morning and realize they are no longer in love with that person next to them, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that – it happens. Why do we honor this commitment of forever regardless of how we really feel? Especially when the commitment we actually believe we are honoring with this person – to love – has already been broken.

And, another that is never really expressed verbally, or by any other means, is this idea that you have to grow with someone – towards them – through a marriage. We seem to forget that when we fall in love we generally don’t tend to do so because this person reminds us of ourselves, we are attracted to their differences (among other things). And, it is growing – independently -- that allows us to hold on to that something that we loved about them, as long as the willingness and desire are still there. It is the commitment to accepting another’s differences that we need to be faithful to. Is it not more reasonable to not get married, but to live with and love this person as long as your feelings continue? If it lasts, then it lasts, and if not, then you make the best of what you can.

If you don’t have the love for a person necessary to remain faithful before marriage I can promise you that getting married will not change that, and the marriage will not change how you feel about a person. Don’t get me wrong, I am not speaking out against the institution of marriage. I am simply expressing certain motives and expectations of a commitment that may not have been considered. If you believe that by getting married you are honoring your faith and love for another person and marriage is the best way for you to communicate that, I can completely respect and sympathize; there was a time I could even empathize. A truth will remain however, and that is that if you are not fulfilled with your partner, without being married -- you will never feel fulfilled being married. And, if you are… why get married?